2enior 4ear

 ok so i didn't disappear for 6 months let's goooo

yeah senior year has been rough so far. i had to drop ap lang because i did not understand anything in that class (well technically not everything but most of it), like how are you supposed to use aristotle's canons to analyze a eulogy of president reagan's passing? I'm starting to get major imposter syndrome too, ig this is what being a woman in stem feels like. i was literally one of the worst scorers on my first ap physics c quiz. i would have been more upset if i was the lowest scorer though so honestly I'm ok. I'll just do better on the next one since I barely studied for this one. and I'm not trying to give myself excuses for doing poorly either, i was genuinely really busy with ap lang (so happy I dropped it) and other classes that i just couldn't study. i promise i will do really well on the next one which is on dynamics. also I'm so happy i dropped ap lang because everyone there is such a tryhard and teacher's pets they're just so annoying. I'm with one of my friends now in cp so yayyyy

since my last post in july, i've learned so much regarding cs and programming knowledge. i can build a website on my own, obviously i don't memorize what to type for a function, style, or HTML structure, but i basically understand everything so i just need to use references to help me build it. i think I'm pretty on track with college applications too. i just need to refine my common app essay. the uc piq's are pretty straightforward; i've started brainstorming for all of them and i have a gist of what I'm gonna write about for each one. for my supplemental, it should take me a couple of hours for each school to research so i think those will be fine too. I'm just gonna write some manifestations here: everything is going to be alright, i will get into a good university, everything is going to work out in the end.

oh yeah and tomorrow i have 3 interviews. on the same day. you know what that's just great. i literally had my schedule open from the 11th to 22nd and they all decided to team up on me and book it on the same day :D. i hope i get multiple internship offers. god I'm so nervous

i will try to update soon. (by soon i mean in a couple of months)

where do i start

hello. it's july 22, 2023. i'm going to be a senior in high school in literally a month. i'm so stressed about college and the whole application process. maybe it's because i've been on reddit r/chanceme and r/applyingtocollege too much, but i feel like i'm no where close to good enough. i don't want to be rejected everywhere - that's my worst fear. i wish i had done more in freshman and sophomore year. i feel so worthless at the moment. every applicant i see on reddit as some sort of impressive research with t10 unis, won gold in USACO, etc. and i'm here with barely any awards and impressive extracurriculars. CS is such a competitive major too, so all the acceptance rates of any college is really divided by 3 if ur a CS major. i don't want to apply to another major though; i genuinely like CS. but i feel so worthless and uncompetitive compared to other applicants that i'm seeing. i have so many things to do, but i don't know where to get started. first, i have to worry about my gwc program and finish as much as i can as well as my dual enrollment classes (intro to administrative justice, intro to sociology). i also have my final for living earth on monday, but to be honest i'm not too concerned about that. i also have kwk coming up in a couple of weeks which will occupy most of my day. i have to finish my commonapp essay which is honestly not looking too bad so far (i'm still on my first draft) and worry about all the supplementals i have to write. i also have to write my UC PIQs. i have to study for the sat and score at least a 1500 or i'm screwed. i have to worry about my 5 ap classes in the fall and possibly intro to stats at ivc. i have to worry about the standout search program as well as my internship. and i'm planning to build some sort of model that uses web scraping and machine learning to detect products on alibaba that steals designs from companies (this is a stretch though i don't think it's gonna happen). i'm also planning to learn as much cs as i can to win some hackathons since my awards list is literally just ap scholar w/ honors. i want to get another internship too, i feel like 1 isn't enough. again, i just feel so uncompetitive compared to my applicant pool and i don't think i'm even going to get accepted to any one of the schools i apply to. my worst fear at the moment is going to community college. i feel like it gets looked down so much and i don't want to look like a failure. i'm going to ED to cornell bc it's the best ivy for CS, has amazing connections being that it has a campus in NYC and is a close drive to many populated cities, and the campus is beautiful, at least from what i heard. god i really do hope i get into a good school. time is flying by so fast. 

jan 2, 2023

it's 2023! and it's also been over a year since i wrote on here. i can't believe time passed so fast between then. i am very proud to announce to my 2021 self that i now have friends :'). i honestly forgot what it felt like to have friends from 2020 - early 2022. i was simply talking to one person or none at all everyday. i mean i still don't have a lot of friends at school but it's nice to know that i have people to talk to now. and this really puts into perspective how lonely i was in 10th grade. i literally had 0 friends. would cry myself to sleep very often. glad that's over

i wanna go back to nyc... i really miss seeing all my friends and family as well as the atmosphere of the city

i also basically quit tiktok im basically only on instagram reels now haha never thought that would happen

for 2023 i plan to go to the gym and get in shape. i also want to get into a good college. im gonna start exploring the computer science field and try to get as much done as possible before college application szn

life rn is kind of confusing honestly i don't really know if im happy, sad, satisfied, unsatisfied, etc

im also kinda mad how im stuck at 5'5 i really wanna be taller (i promise im not a pick me i genuinely wanna be taller). i guess its not bad tho cuz it's taller than average for a woman? bro if ur a male and under 5'9 dont call me short ur literally below average it doesnt matter if im shorter than u ur still short for a male cuz i would be taller than u if i was a male and u would be shorter than me if u were a female

im prolly gonna read back on this and ask myself why im so concerned about height

my fav artist is grentperez (just wanted to put this here)

ok i think thats all im gonna write for now; see u next time 😈 (whether that be next year or in a couple months idrk)